Destiny

If it's destined this way, then it is. :')

Blackberry Rosak

*Calling him

Him: Hmmm, hello?
Moi: *sobbing* Awak tengah tidur ke?
Him: Hmmm. Kenapa ni menangis?
Moi: Handphone kita... rosak...
Him: Apa yang rosak?
Moi: Keypad dia... rosak teruk...
Him: Hmmm tulah awak ni kasar sangat dengan phone tu. Dengan saya pun awak berkasar, apatah lagi dengan phone...
Moi: *sobbing*

My Halloween Diary

He seldom says "I love you". He calls me "sayang" very occasionally. He's never sweet to me.

He goes back to his hometown that's 300km away every weekend. Now that he stays about 20km from me, we still meet once a fortnight.

And last night I whined about not having to meet that often. I complained about missing him a lot. He nagged at me and told me off because I wanted to go to his area and pay him a visit and have dinner together. He left me with a long face during the whole phone conversation. And that was the last time we spoke since yesterday.

Today, at 6.25pm, I received a phone call from him. "Jom jumpa, saya datang tempat awak, bawa awak dinner."

He never said he missed me, but I know he does because he shows.

Maybe it's true he's not a "say-er". Maybe he's a "show-er".

Tonight Imma have a dinner with my Superman :)


-30th Oct 2011

Self-Restraint

Well, I should be restraining myself from reading my old writings as it will only complicate my already complicated mind.

To someone who's torn between fairy tales and reality, getting more confused isn't a good option.

Melodi Hati

Kalau lagu itu masih bermelodi
Akanku dendangkan selalu
Mengisi di dalam hati
Mengukir kenangan jiwamu.

Why?

Why are you still with me even when you know I have feelings for someone else as well?

Because I love you so much.

Movie

The thing is I'm not a movie goer. I only watch selected movies and I only watch movie with Superman. And he lives 350 kilometres away from me. Hence I missed a lot of great movies.

Tunggu raya jelah keluar kat TV. :(

The Same Old Feeling

I can't believe after all these years, I can still have this same old feeling, but this time it's towards a totally different man.

I wasn't very much a loyal lover previously, probably I didn't even know how to love and all. And when I found the one I loved so much years back, I felt great. I had the motivation to wake up every morning just to wait for his phone calls or SMS, and my days were spent staring at his photos and counting days for our upcoming dates.

After he had called off our relationship, I kinda lost the spirit to love and be loved. I didn't have the guts to be in a serious relationship.

This mundane routine remained even until the day I met Superman. We had this very casual relationship. If he feels like calling, he would. And I didn't dare making the first stride contacting him. That went on for several months.

Then we became somehow serious. Conversations on marriage took place. We then got involved with each other's family affairs and so on. But there was no romantic feeling whatsoever. It was all casual.

Until recently. I don't hell know where all this mushy, romance come from. I miss him every second right now. I have every intention of staring at his photo every now and then. I feel like calling him just to hear his voice, or if he's asleep I'd watch the video I've taken months back.

I'm in cloud nine. And I can't believe I can still have this same old feeling, but this time it's towards a totally different man.

I love you :)

Ruang Kosong

Hello awak.

Malam tadi dengan pagi ni kita rindu awak sangat-sangat. Kita tahu awak susah nak recover. Like I said I've been there in your shoes before. Time will heal trust me honey. But you oughtta be strong, keep pushing yourself forward.

I don't know whether you're going to read this or not. But Imma write this here anyway.

I'd be lying if I said there's no feelings left. Eight years, hun, eight long years. Tipu sungguh kalau sikit perasaan pun tak ada.

Tapi perasaan sayang, cinta, kasih tu tak bawa ke mana kalau tak ada persefahaman, ada curiga, ada perkara-perkara yang menyebabkan kita (berdua) tak selesa dengan hubungan tu.

It's hard to say this, but cinta kan tak semestinya memiliki?

Deep inside I always hope there's a better girl out there, coming from somewhere to mend your broken heart and give you an everlasting happiness. I know I'd be jealous of her for having the most wonderful man on earth, not to mention the most handsome too. But I reckon I must really be happy to see your laughter again.

Remember that big tooth of yours I really love seeing? :) I wish to see it again when you laugh some day.

So far I'm firm with what I've decided. There's too many complications in us both. Relationship should be simple, unlike ours.

I don't know how to reach you now. But I guess when the time is right, we'll be meeting again. I'm restraining myself to contact you. No matter how good it feels talking to you, if it makes you shatter I'd back down.

I miss you a lot, and I still love you.

You

If you cannot handle me at my worst, you definitely don't deserve to be with me.

Mark my words.

Quote

"Sometimes we go back to people because we realize how impossible it is to live without them."

-MHAH

Sampai Hati

Awak ajar saya macam-macam dari awal hubungan kita.

Awak ajar saya tentang pentingnya melayan antara satu sama lain dengan cara yang lain untuk menunjukkan kita istimewa.
Awak ajar saya bersabar dalam hubungan.
Awak ajar saya hormat mana-mana perkara yang kita tidak suka, walaupun perkara itu mungkin remeh.

Tapi hari ini perasaan saya ditolak mentah-mentah.
Hari ini saya diherdik, dimaki.
Hari ini saya dicaci, dilayan kasar.

Mana pergi semua yang awak ajarkan?

Saya tak tahu hendak berasa apa.

Avoid

I know you have stopped reading, and trying to stop caring.
I know how painful it must be for you, as seeing you hurt hurts me too.

It's raining very heavily outside, and I'm crying pretty hard too right now.

This blog has turned out to be the other way around. It wasn't supposed to be sappy, it was supposed to be a cheerful bubbly one.

It wasn't supposed to be filled with our stories. It was supposed to be my other stories.

As for now, honestly speaking, I don't know what to do.

I can only wish something happens, and that something can help me decide. Wishful thinking.

Duhai kasihku yang satu,

Api usah dibalas api
Kelak bukan saja membakar diri
Menjadi abu menyemat benci

Duhai kasihku yang satu,

Api harus disimbah air
Semudah itu.

I Love You But It Aint Gonna Work

There's only one thing I learnt to understand the hard way about our relationshp: it's not going to work.

No matter how compatible we are, how lovingly in love are we, how inseparable we are - these aren't going to help.

You, with your ideology that is totally in contrast with me.

I still love you very dearly. And there's no way I can live a second without thinking of you.

For All Those Times You Stood By Me

I never thought losing someone so important in life would lead to a low self-esteem. It sucks and hurts so much listening to other people's stories. They complain that the parents do this and that. And I would speak very silently to myself, "At least you have one to complain about."

The feeling is killing me. It never gets better.

I am all handicapped now. It's almost literally like walking with a foot. Though I may seem okay on the surface, I actually take offense everytime you mention about it. :'(

Legally Blonde

Probably, instead of flattering me with how much money a lawyer can make, why don't you enlighten me with how much work they are burdened with? How little time they spend with the loved ones?

Is that your other way of telling me to quit what I'm doing and practise law?

Lazybumps

Call me orthodox, any name you'd like to. But it's a pain in the ass having lazybumps around. Especially when the person admits how lazy and how rare he/she does the house chores.

I can't proceed with my writing as I was too pissed off. Emo much? Yeah, probably.

Bluerghhh

I'm not sure myself, why is it lately that I no longer feel that strong towards him. As a matter of fact, hatred is more it is. I'd find faults in everything that he does.

I hope I ain't under the influence anything or anyone. Though he's getting annoying from day to day.

Happy Man

I want you to be the happiest lad on earth. Forever.

I'm giving it a second thought.

Baja

Surprisingly, ia seperti tahi yang menjadi baja.

Lagi tidak menyenangkan baunya, lagi ia menggalakkan pertumbuhan.

Blessings

I've learnt long ago not to regret anything done. By long ago I meant really really long ago. Probably more than a decade ago.

I have always believed that there's a blessing in a disguise, and everything happens for a reason.

Thus I think I seldom (just to be on the safe side) feel sorry for anything. I'll try to be redha and find the blessings. Even it's really hard.

Lewat Penat

Malam tadi tidur sangat lewat. Pagi ini bangun macam sangat penat.

*yawn*

Reiterating

Dear partner in crime,

Please tell SOMEONE out there that I don't fake expression. Erm, at least I don't know how to.

Thanks babe.

Teringat

Eh eh, macam ni.

Haritu awak kata "tak berbaloi  bagitahu mak" dan saya diam tanpa menempelak. Hari itu ialah 4 Januari.

Biar saya mentafsir di sini. Awak boleh cakap begitu yang bermaksud pemikiran awak tentang saya berubah.

Kemudian saya tulis di situ begitu salah pula?

Wah! ADIL.

Thanks :)

Terlupa

Eh baru perasan.

Kalau ada entri baru selepas 4 Januari tu kan mesti benda ni tak jadi? Sebab tak ada masa nak update perasaan kat sini kan.

Tapi Tuhan tahu lah buat kerja dia, kan?

Tapi tak penat ke mentafsir ye?

Kalau saya, saya penat. Tapi, itu kalau sayalah.

I'm in no position to justify myself. Tu pun kerja yang memenatkan juga. Penat sangat.

Tapi biarlah. Emosi manusia ni selalu berubah. Awak sama, saya pun sama.

So yeah.

Abode

This, I presume, is no longer that safe abode I call home anymore. Isn't any longer the place to spill my thoughts freely without having anyone deliver judgments towards me.

I feel condemned to even feel what I wish for. I feel that I have no rights to think or feel what I want. I have no rights to even live my life the way I want.

This is no longer the abode where I find serenity in life and tranquility of mind. Where I pick as an escapade to the messiness out there.

I am a pretty messy girl and I don't intend to welcome anymore messiness.

I don't like being judged and questioned of every single act. I'm ALMOST as carefree as I am. Wouldn't it be wonderful if some people have faith and respect my wills?

All I want in life is happiness. And I have my way to seek for one.

Hi to You!

Tahniah sebab jumpa blog ni.

Selamat mentafsir setiap bait kata di sini.

Selamat memusnahkan privasi saya. :)

Kerja Tuhan

Sekarang saya nampak kenapa saya bersama Superman dan bukan Batman. Yes I still feel strongly towards Batman but love alone doesn't suffice. Yes Superman isn't as romantic and sweet as Batman but what he has is faith in me.

Sekarang I dah salah perkiraan kerana terlalu mengikut perasaan. Dan I kena buat keputusan yang rasional.

Betullah, semua yang berlaku ada hikmahnya. Tuhan tahulah kerja yang dilakukannya. Kita jangan persoalkan lagi.

Ya rabbi, ampunkan aku.

Bilangan Kawan Yang Tidak Konsisten

I ramai kawan lelaki, sebab I lebih senang berkawan dengan mereka. Tiada hard feelings melampau, tiada girl fight dan sebagainya. Banyak juga remarks yang I terima yang menyatakan betapa sempoinya I ni mengalahkan kaum Adam. Mungkin sebab banyak berkawan dengan kaum itulah agaknya.

Nak dijadikan cerita, bilangan kawan-kawan lelaki I ni selalunya inconsistent. I ni bila rapat dengan orang, I jadi caring sangat, boleh berkongsi cerita dan sebagainya. But it ends there. Maksudnya tidak terbawa ke mimpi dan sebagainya. Sebab tiada perasaan romantik pun yang I semaikan dalam hati terhadap mereka.

Isu inconsistency ini timbul setelah sesetengah mereka ini mula mempunyai girlfriend. Samada girlfriend masing-masing jealous dengan persahabatan kami atau lelaki itu yang insecure berkawan dengan I, takut girlfriend jealous.

Probably it has something to do with the way I maneuver the camaraderie. So gadis-gadis mereka rasa terancam. Maka I makin kurang kawan yang rapat.

Yang menariknya apabila mereka ini break up, lelaki-lelaki ini kembali rapat dengan I. Sebab selesa berkawan dengan I. Though I tak dapat melarikan diri daripada berasa dipergunakan, I malas ambil pusing dan merajuk macam kura-kura. Kau nak kawan, kau kawanlah.

Wahai cik gadis-gadis, I nilah orang terakhir you patut rasa terancam. Sebab I ni gemuk dan tak cantik. Cuma I bijak dan bubbly. So you tak perlu tambah bedak di wajah.

Less

I think I'd rather be less cuddled than being less trusted.