Self-Restraint

Well, I should be restraining myself from reading my old writings as it will only complicate my already complicated mind.

To someone who's torn between fairy tales and reality, getting more confused isn't a good option.

Movie

The thing is I'm not a movie goer. I only watch selected movies and I only watch movie with Superman. And he lives 350 kilometres away from me. Hence I missed a lot of great movies.

Tunggu raya jelah keluar kat TV. :(

I'm giving it a second thought.

Blessings

I've learnt long ago not to regret anything done. By long ago I meant really really long ago. Probably more than a decade ago.

I have always believed that there's a blessing in a disguise, and everything happens for a reason.

Thus I think I seldom (just to be on the safe side) feel sorry for anything. I'll try to be redha and find the blessings. Even it's really hard.

Reiterating

Dear partner in crime,

Please tell SOMEONE out there that I don't fake expression. Erm, at least I don't know how to.

Thanks babe.

Abode

This, I presume, is no longer that safe abode I call home anymore. Isn't any longer the place to spill my thoughts freely without having anyone deliver judgments towards me.

I feel condemned to even feel what I wish for. I feel that I have no rights to think or feel what I want. I have no rights to even live my life the way I want.

This is no longer the abode where I find serenity in life and tranquility of mind. Where I pick as an escapade to the messiness out there.

I am a pretty messy girl and I don't intend to welcome anymore messiness.

I don't like being judged and questioned of every single act. I'm ALMOST as carefree as I am. Wouldn't it be wonderful if some people have faith and respect my wills?

All I want in life is happiness. And I have my way to seek for one.

Kerja Tuhan

Sekarang saya nampak kenapa saya bersama Superman dan bukan Batman. Yes I still feel strongly towards Batman but love alone doesn't suffice. Yes Superman isn't as romantic and sweet as Batman but what he has is faith in me.

Sekarang I dah salah perkiraan kerana terlalu mengikut perasaan. Dan I kena buat keputusan yang rasional.

Betullah, semua yang berlaku ada hikmahnya. Tuhan tahulah kerja yang dilakukannya. Kita jangan persoalkan lagi.

Ya rabbi, ampunkan aku.

Bilangan Kawan Yang Tidak Konsisten

I ramai kawan lelaki, sebab I lebih senang berkawan dengan mereka. Tiada hard feelings melampau, tiada girl fight dan sebagainya. Banyak juga remarks yang I terima yang menyatakan betapa sempoinya I ni mengalahkan kaum Adam. Mungkin sebab banyak berkawan dengan kaum itulah agaknya.

Nak dijadikan cerita, bilangan kawan-kawan lelaki I ni selalunya inconsistent. I ni bila rapat dengan orang, I jadi caring sangat, boleh berkongsi cerita dan sebagainya. But it ends there. Maksudnya tidak terbawa ke mimpi dan sebagainya. Sebab tiada perasaan romantik pun yang I semaikan dalam hati terhadap mereka.

Isu inconsistency ini timbul setelah sesetengah mereka ini mula mempunyai girlfriend. Samada girlfriend masing-masing jealous dengan persahabatan kami atau lelaki itu yang insecure berkawan dengan I, takut girlfriend jealous.

Probably it has something to do with the way I maneuver the camaraderie. So gadis-gadis mereka rasa terancam. Maka I makin kurang kawan yang rapat.

Yang menariknya apabila mereka ini break up, lelaki-lelaki ini kembali rapat dengan I. Sebab selesa berkawan dengan I. Though I tak dapat melarikan diri daripada berasa dipergunakan, I malas ambil pusing dan merajuk macam kura-kura. Kau nak kawan, kau kawanlah.

Wahai cik gadis-gadis, I nilah orang terakhir you patut rasa terancam. Sebab I ni gemuk dan tak cantik. Cuma I bijak dan bubbly. So you tak perlu tambah bedak di wajah.

Less

I think I'd rather be less cuddled than being less trusted.

Chickenshit

The truth is I'm a chickenshit.

I am coward enough to face the things I dread facing. Like reminiscing the old days with the gone ones. Like being told off with what I've done wrong. Like listening to remarks people make about me. Like watching a sad ending movie. Like reading about the life in the hereafter.

I just hate being vulnerable and letting myself being overwhelmed with vulnerability.

In short, I am a cowardice. I don't have enough guts to hurt my own self.

A Zero Master

Previously I used to admire and idolise those with Master Degree and Doctorate. But I perceive differently today.

Pardon me but I no longer see these holders as intellectual enough nowadays. Firstly, anyone with money can pursue their higher education be it domestically or abroad. I have friends whose results are as average as mine now undergoing their postgrad studies in Europe. Because they have the means to.

Secondly, some people are book smart per se. They suck in interpersonal skill, they have zero general knowledge, they're lousy at public speaking or at least making a good speech, their English proficiency is below average and the list goes on. From what I see, that makes you a post graduate with nothing but a piece of certificate. Not to mention having no ability to write their thesis well. You either hire people to write for you or, the most popular method; plagiarism.

I've been to a convention with around 40 other post graduate students whom on surface at a glance, didn't look like one (except for some). Second, they were as quiet as a stone during the seminars most probably due to their weak English mastery or they're just as lame. Some even snored during the session! You could see the same persons repeatedly asked questions and that includes me!

I could also see they even baby talk in Facebook. Something I didn't see coming from a 25-year-old master student. In my view, some of these people decided to pursue with such degree because they had nothing else to do, or they don't know what else to do, because they think that they don't even deserve to be working for their oh-so-many-flaws.

Just so you know, I didn't do my master by choice. Because I know my direction. And most importantly, I know the fact that I'm so much better than the abovementioned persons.

Marriage

I'm beginning to lose faith in marriage. I find it to be somehow stringent, too confining and suffocating. Forget about fairy tales, dream weddings now.

Superman, on the other hand, has a different perception. He believes in everlasting relationship built on marriage institution. He believes in blessed relationship of two individuals in a legally tied knot.

I guess he needs to do a lot of convincing right now. And I can see his progress at present.

:)

Money Maker

I am friggin smart.

My brain is stimulated to money generating.

Pennyless?

Come to mama, baby.

Tips are all I can share.

Anak

Sejak akhir-akhir ini keinginan untuk mempunyai anak selepas berumah tangga nanti kian pudar. Ini berlaku setelah melihat realiti kepayahan membesarkan anak ditambah lagi dengan rintihan kenalan yang menjadi ibu bapa.

Kepudaran ini ditambah dengan perasaan anxiety yang tinggi dan self-esteem yang rendah. Tidak yakin dengan skill keibubapaan yang ada dalam diri. Can I even be a good mother to my future kids? If I were a mother what kind of mom would I be? Yang garang atau yang penyayang?

Takut. Serius takut. Dahlah I dah buat perjanjian dengan Superman yang semua najis-najis akan I yang cuci. Tak guna betul Superman. Awal-awal lagi dah pandai cari jalan keluar. Cis!

I takut membesarkan anak-anak dengan cara yang salah and in the end, the society will point its finger to me. All blames are put on my shoulder.

Na'uzubillah!

Superman kata jangan fikir banyak sangat. Anak itu anugerah Allah dan insya Allah akan murahkan rezeki kita. Well, itu boleh mengurangkan kerisauan sedikit.

Hmm, so can anyone convince me the blessing of having one's one child or share a joyous story of having one? Instead of bercerita tentang kepayahan membesarkan anak?

Hujan Emas Di Negara Orang

Since I was much younger, I had always wanted to study abroad. Especially in the West. Or Europe. Or negara mat saleh lah orang kita kata.

Mostly it was because I don't wanna work there, and building my life there. Thus, having a few years experience in overseas should suffice.

But that didn't happen as I ended up graduating from a local university, one of the best in Malaysia. Until then, I still have the urge to study elsewhere, anywhere but Malaysia, as for the postgraduate program.

Many things had occurred lately to the effect that my dreams and perception have changed. I don't think I would wanna leave my family and loved ones behind for years. Hence what I have in mind is to make a lot of money so that I'm able to travel anywhere I want with my earnings. The best part is I can tag them along.

Imagine going abroad without any worries. Imagine having a thick pocket while travelling. Imagine doing the things you want with your loved ones.

And I'm ensuring you that day will come. Because do I wanna be a gorgeous, hot looking billionaire some day. It's not either or, cause I am proving all.

Fira Satorini, Greece, I shall come and conquer you one day!

Resolusi Hari Jadi

Saya mahu jadi lebih positif, in the sense that I'm not going to make other people's problem as mine.

Lantaklah you nak tulis grammar broken or you nak jadi annoyingly corny in the public. Just don't over react.

Let they live the way they want. So long that it doesn't disrupt mine, why bother?

It serves much tranquility living without loathe and hatred. It feels more calming observing with peace.

So let's stop condemning and start loving. Or even if you can't, ignore.

Luck

Usually when someone wishes me luck for my exam, I'd respond;

"I need no luck. I just need a pen and a brain."

But in the end I realized I really, badly need that damn luck.

*sigh*

"Dah Kata Dah"

No, seriously. You don't want to hear me saying those words. It's a bad sign afterall.

Don't you ever let me utter them.

Secularism

This is funny.

I am being called secular for a humble political opinion I made.

I must have been oblivious or something. So tell me politely which part did I say wrong?

I'm No Dumb. I'm Just Numb

I may be vibrant and cheerful, but I'm no talkative. I only talk when it's necessary. But at times, though the situation requires me to speak, I'd still become numb.

I don't hell know where has the friendly me gone. It has been my resolution each year since I was 9 to be less talkative and now I believe God has granted my yearly wish. Heh.

By talkative, I strictly confine the meaning to being friendly and able to create a warm and comfortable conversation, and relationship for that matter.

The change doesn't bring much benefit, I'd dare to say, especially when I am faced with the future in-laws. I was ultimately quiet, probably because I didn't know what to say, act and ask. Probably because Superman has shared many stories about his family beforehand.

Sheesh. Now I have this peculiar feeling that the future in-laws don't quite fancy my attitude. They must've thought I am one snobbish brat from the city.

On the other hand, his little sister was extremely pretty and warm and is getting married in a couple of months time!!!

What am I thinking now, seriously?